I recently realized that my boredom and stagnation has arrived due in part to lack of work on my emotional self. When we stop pushing ourselves to improve, reflect and explore, we get further away from what makes us unique and interesting to others and content and centered with ourselves.
One of my goals is to be present rather than just be. So yesterday I pulled myself away from the television, dressed in warm clothing and walked the dogs around town at night. It was exactly what we all needed--to savor a beautiful moonlit night by the nearly frozen river. It was a simple act that I used to do daily and have recently let fall by the wayside because I've felt "too busy." I should never be too busy to walk the dogs and enjoy 30 minutes of taking in my surroundings. It's not my hectic schedule, but rather it's my laziness the prevents those walks. Last night I gave myself the gift of motivation and it paid me back in dividends.
My man and I exchanged gifts yesterday, a bit early. I now have a few more tools in my arsenal that are sure to push me beyond my comfort zone: New wetsuit gear for warmth in very cold water (i.e., surfing is not relegated only to warm summer months now), a brand new (hand-made in the U.S.) board that will make surfing easier and more enjoyable for me as I continue to learn. Surfing allows me to be fully present because it's a challenging workout and, as a beginner, I have so much to learn and analyze and think about out there. I don't have time to think about surfing AND worry about what to make for dinner this week or ruminate on projects for work. I experience the wave motion, my body's movements, the force of the water, what works and doesn't work for me. I can laugh at myself when I get tossed by a wave or crack a huge grin when I catch a wave but end up surfing on my belly because I didn't stand up quickly enough.
We also have a gift certificate to take an introductory lesson for the indoor climbing gym nearby, a big step for me with my fear of heights and lack of arm strength. I have a feeling it will do the same thing for me as surfing does: it will get me to focus on what I'm doing in the present, to enjoy and to let go. Yoga does the same thing, and so does contra dancing. All these activities push my boundaries and make me slightly (or more than slightly) uncomfortable at times. They all make me reflect on how I can be better physically and mentally. I leave the experiences ready to embrace life a little larger, I am a better person to those I love, I can rest more easily.
Rather than collect more stuff this season, I remain committed to decluttering my life and simplifying. So, for every item in, it's time to take a few others over to Goodwill. I'll be going through my belongings this evening to see what I can donate to make up for my new gifts. But the best gift of all is knowing that I'm on the cusp of the plateau, about to move forward once again and expand my horizons.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
work in progress
Quick self-improvement update!
Last Friday, I forced myself to go to the monthly bluegrass jam, despite not having practiced my banjo in eons. I didn't lead any of the songs, but I strummed along in the background. Even that is really uncomfortable for me, however--anything that calls attention to me in the public eye is super tough for me to do. I seem to have some sort of low-level anxiety attacks. I always enjoy the jams, just not showing off how poorly I play. So I've decided to choose one song per month to practice and get ready for the following month's jam so I can actually lead a song each time. I'm hoping that by next summer, I'll be much more comfortable playing in front of other people so I can spend more time smiling at the jams instead of worrying about their perceptions of my playing abilities. It's a laid-back jam, not the Boston Pops. I need to keep this in mind!
This weekend, I made an effort to stifle my insecurities, worries and negative thoughts that tend to creep up. Instead, I tried my best to project my happier side. It seemed to work quite well, because all weekend I was surrounded by happiness from everyone I spent time with--exactly what I needed for more confidence. Feeling much better this week, which is a great way to start off a rainy Monday.
Last Friday, I forced myself to go to the monthly bluegrass jam, despite not having practiced my banjo in eons. I didn't lead any of the songs, but I strummed along in the background. Even that is really uncomfortable for me, however--anything that calls attention to me in the public eye is super tough for me to do. I seem to have some sort of low-level anxiety attacks. I always enjoy the jams, just not showing off how poorly I play. So I've decided to choose one song per month to practice and get ready for the following month's jam so I can actually lead a song each time. I'm hoping that by next summer, I'll be much more comfortable playing in front of other people so I can spend more time smiling at the jams instead of worrying about their perceptions of my playing abilities. It's a laid-back jam, not the Boston Pops. I need to keep this in mind!
This weekend, I made an effort to stifle my insecurities, worries and negative thoughts that tend to creep up. Instead, I tried my best to project my happier side. It seemed to work quite well, because all weekend I was surrounded by happiness from everyone I spent time with--exactly what I needed for more confidence. Feeling much better this week, which is a great way to start off a rainy Monday.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Rut
Work, gym, eat, watch movie while knitting, sleep. Repeat. Not my preferred routine but here I am, stuck in this rut with no signs of change. Why? No snow for snowshoeing, too cold to get outside and experience life. Easy excuses. But really, why?
The answer was, at first, elusive. And then it hit me: I had stopped working on emotional self-improvement.
That's why I am stuck, bored, lethargic, zombie-like. My muscles are slowly toning up from the gym, but my brain and soul are in deep hibernation. I don't like this trajectory one bit. Wherefore art thou, balance?
So I revisited my Universe list I wrote two years ago. My friend Amie had told me about this list she made up of all the characteristics she wanted in a mate. She asked the Universe to find a mate that matched those qualities. A month later, she found her fiancee.
I wrote my own Universe list, edited it over and over again, and in that process I realized those are the very same characteristics I needed to manifest in my own life, behaviors I needed to improve for me to be happy with myself, above all else. I began to work on that list for self-improvement. And what do you know, four months after that list was finalized, I met Jeff.
But since then, I have lost touch with many of the traits on that list. "Can communicate well." My communication had essentially shut down recently, for various reasons. "Makes me laugh." When was the last time I experienced something on my own that made me laugh? I frowned. This was not a good sign.
And yet, the great thing about this realization is that now I know the cause for my symptoms. I can treat the real seed of this issue and thus erase my boredom, my zombie expression, my current passive method of living. It's time to shake things up! I have some good ideas that don't require snow to enjoy my life as it is right now in the dead of winter. I think the time has come to shake off that fog and get back in touch with the cool me I know I can be.
My goal: do one thing per day that allows me to change my routine, break out of my shell, get back to the me that I love, practice living actively and in the moment. It can be simple: meditation. It can be big: going to the indoor climbing gym nearby to try something new and somewhat scary. It's time to get back into the life I want to live.
The answer was, at first, elusive. And then it hit me: I had stopped working on emotional self-improvement.
That's why I am stuck, bored, lethargic, zombie-like. My muscles are slowly toning up from the gym, but my brain and soul are in deep hibernation. I don't like this trajectory one bit. Wherefore art thou, balance?
So I revisited my Universe list I wrote two years ago. My friend Amie had told me about this list she made up of all the characteristics she wanted in a mate. She asked the Universe to find a mate that matched those qualities. A month later, she found her fiancee.
I wrote my own Universe list, edited it over and over again, and in that process I realized those are the very same characteristics I needed to manifest in my own life, behaviors I needed to improve for me to be happy with myself, above all else. I began to work on that list for self-improvement. And what do you know, four months after that list was finalized, I met Jeff.
But since then, I have lost touch with many of the traits on that list. "Can communicate well." My communication had essentially shut down recently, for various reasons. "Makes me laugh." When was the last time I experienced something on my own that made me laugh? I frowned. This was not a good sign.
And yet, the great thing about this realization is that now I know the cause for my symptoms. I can treat the real seed of this issue and thus erase my boredom, my zombie expression, my current passive method of living. It's time to shake things up! I have some good ideas that don't require snow to enjoy my life as it is right now in the dead of winter. I think the time has come to shake off that fog and get back in touch with the cool me I know I can be.
My goal: do one thing per day that allows me to change my routine, break out of my shell, get back to the me that I love, practice living actively and in the moment. It can be simple: meditation. It can be big: going to the indoor climbing gym nearby to try something new and somewhat scary. It's time to get back into the life I want to live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
