self-trust update

Mind over matter: I went climbing for the second time last night, with a marked mental improvement from my first time--no panic attacks whatsoever! I was even able to look down at my belaying partner while I was way up high without freaking out, getting dizzy, or needing to shore up my courage. Still *slightly* scared about the potential for falling, but overall I did a fabulous job and am proud of this step forward (or upward, as the case may be).

Trust thyself

This is me, learning to climb at a nearby indoor climbing gym last Friday. This particular photo was snapped while I was freaking out, clinging to the wall, panting and unable to move, petrified of being perhaps 30-40 feet above the ground.

I trusted the equipment to catch me if I had fallen, just like when I was ziplining last year. I had trust in my knot-tying ability and in my belaying partner.

But I didn't trust myself. My brain was screaming, "I am extremely scared of heights! I have never done this before! I'm not very strong or sure of myself!"

That sensation of falling, regardless of whether it's on a roller coaster or a zipline, sends me directly into full-blown PANIC mode. I have less control when I'm off the ground. If I can't anticipate what's going to happen, then I can't prepare--and preparation is the main tool (mis)used by all serious worriers.

After I managed to swallow my fear way up there on that wall, I was able to push on and touch the top of the three climbing courses I pursued. I never fell (but even if I had, I would have been caught by the safety ropes and everything would have been okay).

Perfectionism, worry, control, insulating techniques...these are a handful of methods I employ to (wrongly) deal with insecurity. I don't trust myself. Why not? I have always picked myself up when I've fallen and I've gotten through many painful experiences. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.

2011 has been a year of growth for me thus far. Growth doesn't come without some discomfort at times, but the outcomes are almost always worth the efforts to push past the pain.

In a bid to become stronger and more trusting of myself and my abilities (and let's be honest--also to have a lot of fun and shake things up a bit!), I'm continuing with my dance class for another couple of months, moving into the intermediate level that I never thought I'd be able to accomplish previously. I'm also learning to climb indoors in preparation for outdoor climbing later in the season. In previous years, I would have dismissed these activities, telling myself "I could never do that, I'm not strong enough, I'm too scared of heights, I'm too klutzy," or whatever other absurd notions have kicked around in my brain since youth.

The truth is, I'm getting stronger every day. I'm becoming more graceful (slowly but surely). I did just fine on my first day of climbing. Eventually I will effortlessly dive into a new activity or endeavor because I will have built up a lot more self-confidence. And that's a really superb feeling after decades of self-deprecation.